Sunday, February 19, 2012

My Date with ZZ Top

This weekend, Ted and I escaped to the beach for a few days, without kids, animals as well as pressures from work!  We enjoyed every moment of just being together, we laughed, we shopped and caught up on some much needed sleep!  We always make it a point to enjoy some delicous cuisine of the South Carolina coast, and we were not disappointed!  Sitting across from Ted, I was reminded how lucky I was to be married to my best friend, but also that I am not in the Divorcee Dating Scene any longer!
I have several friends who are now in their late forties, and early fifties, who are either going through a divorce, or due to other circumstances find themselves alone at this time in their lives.  I guess in a way, I am lucky to be finished with that phase in my life.  I will have to admit that there were times that I felt as though I was in the Fifth Circle of Hell, when it came to the search for my soul mate! 
Tonight, as I sat across from my wonderful husband, I started to remember the time that a well meaning customer, decided that I was exactly what her brother needed! I should have seen the red flags waving with her description that her brother was "just... misunderstood."  Sorry to report, that I didn't, and my Sunny Southern Bell self agreed to a lunch with this "misunderstood brother."
At the time I was working as a Sales Representative for a very large computer corporation in Newport News, Virginia.  I had been in the office most of the morning, writing proposals, and answering emails, when I finally realized that lunch time was approaching.  I gathered my purse and briefcase, and left thinking that perhaps I wouldn't be back for several hours if this lunch date proved to be worthwhile. Let me inject here, that as a divorced woman on the dating scene, I had rules!  Rule #1.... Always meet the "intended" for either coffee at Starbucks in Kiln Creek Shopping Center or Lunch at Cheers in Oyster Point.  Both places were well lit, well occupied and no where near my home!  You never know when you might get set up with a Wackadoo!  So off I went for lunch at Cheers in Oyster Point.
It was a beautiful March Day, and I am standing outside of Cheers in my Silk dress, pearls, and heels, as well as my new Neiman Marcus All Weather Coat, recently purchased on a trip to Tysons Corner in DC.  I look around to see if  misunderstood brother, is anywhere in sight, alas no...I seem to be the first one there.  Trying not to be too noticeably, I look to my left as a BMW pulls into the parking lot, and a nice looking man slowly eases his way out of the beautiful leather seats.  However to his right, is another man, walking toward BMW man, and they embrace and kiss, so I gather that neither of these two are Misunderstood Brother.  I fiddle with my purse and my coat, as I stand there in front of my favorite restaurant as several other men walk by me, and enter through the door.
Then I hear this sound, a very loud masculine sound of power and exhaust! Someone is pulling in on one of those Huge motorcycles, with leather bags draped on both sides.  The rider is dressed in leather as well from head to toe. He has on one of those dough boy helmets, and I suddenly begin to stutter to my self...NONONONOONONO...Lord I know that I have NOT done anything lately to deserve this! You had better not do this to me!!!!!
The rider disembarks the motorcycle, and takes off his helmet....suddenly I am very aware that I am looking at someone who looks like a member of ZZ Top!  His beard has been cut to form a point that reaches all the way down to his navel, which is very prominent on his big belly.  Suddenly I realize that I am standing, staring at this HUGE man, with my mouth wide open, and he is staring back at me! He walks slowly and surly towards me, and ask "Are you Tibby?"
Now I am sure that there are many women out there, that would have lied and said no...but being raised in Heath Springs, South Carolina, I have a difficult time with lying and being ugly to people.  I think I can trace it back to the time in third grade when Susan Hinson told me that "I wasn't going to Heaven if I  told stories!" So, not wanting to hurt this mans feelings, nor jeopardize my chances on the pearly gates...I uttered a very weak "Yes"
He opened the door for us to walk into Cheers, and the entire time, I am half praying, half begging the Lord, that there be no one in the restaurant today that would know me and see me at the worst moment of my life.  The Hostess looks at me as if, she wants to check my Sanity meter...and then leads us to a booth.  Of course it is in the front of the restaurant where EVERYONE can see us!
The waiter comes to our booth, to take our drink order, and I contemplate braking rule # 4 which is Never, Ever...drink on a first date.  I settle on Water...and catch my breath, thinking that this is only a lunch, it can only last an hour, and that I can make it through this...I made it through ten years of marriage to my ex! I can do anything...I am a liberated woman!
I begin with small talk....well misunderstood brother...".what do you do?" I ask....
He replies, what do you mean exactly?"
Perhaps I should make this a little more simplistic for my date...
"What do you do for a living?"...there he should be able to understand that.... I think!
"I lend money" he replies.......
I think to myself....There is just no way in H-ll that this man is in the banking industry, and I am sure that he has never seen the likes of an investment firm.
So I probe a little deeper....."What do you mean by "Lend people money?"
Mis-understood brother replies........"I drive around to the various ship yards, and the power plants, and the meat packing plants and lend people money"
My mind begins to spin, as I grasp the different scenarios...then suddenly I realize who I am sitting across....A Real Life LOAN SHARK!!!!!  OMG...We don't have anything like this in Heath Springs, so I have no idea of the proper protocol for addressing this profession!
"Are you a Loan Shark?"  I whisper.
"Some people call me that " states misunderstood brother, in a  very matter of fact tone!
"Well who exactly do you lend this money to?....Ok, I have no idea why I asked this question, because by now, my mind has finally caught up to my mouth.
"All kinds," he replies
Thank the Lord, that by this time, our chicken salad has arrived, and I have something to put in my mouth, therefore I won't make myself anymore upset with the situation at hand. 
After several bites of  the best chicken salad in Newport News, I look up at my date who seems to be enjoying his salad as well, when suddenly, he looks at me and grins.....and blows me a kiss! Oh my!
Then suddenly he begins to lick his fork with much gusto, as I stare in unabashed horror.....he takes his fork and begins scratching his back!!!!!!!!
I fall to the right onto the cushion of the booth, thinking "Lord take me RIGHT now!" I just lay there for a while , wondering how I am going to get out of here without causing a scene.   Eventually mis-understood brother asked me if I was ok...and I sit up visibly shaken, giving some excuse such as loosing a contact.
I look down at my watch and thankfully forty minutes have passed, and I begin telling him that I am going to need to leave in just a few.."Got to get back to the office!" and I nervously laugh.
He looks at me, and says..."Oh I thought we were going to spend the rest of the day together?"
"Oh no....I reply, I really must get back I have a meeting at one, that I just can't miss." This was a total lie, and I thought of Susan Hinson at this time, and hoped that perhaps this one time, she was wrong!
We walked to the parking lot, and I began to really worry now...was he going to press me for a kiss?...What would I do? How does one kiss a ZZ TOP wannabe? Would I throw up in the process? How was I going to get myself out of this one?  Nothing I had learned at Beth Blackwells Modeling and Manners class had prepared me for this moment, so I thought,to myself, What would Beth Blackwell do?  If you knew Beth Blackwell, you would know that she would never have gotten herself into this predicument to begin with, but trying to end this nightmare without being stalked for life...I projected my right hand, to shake his...and said "misunderstood brother,  thank you for lunch, and I hope you have a nice life, but I just don't see this going anywhere past today"  I suddenly begin backing up....and he says.."What? What do you mean" " I think your beautiful, and I could show you a good time!"......
At this point, I thought to myself, Why is it that the ones you want, never want you....and the ones you don't want .....well they always are the ones most interested in you!
I shook my head and said no thanks, and began to walk towards my car....I opened it with the automatic lock and quickly jumped in.  I was certain that he heard the door locks sound, as he looked at me, dumbfounded.  Suddenly, I realized that he thought I was the strange one in this scenaro!
I drove my mini van, as fast as possible back to the office in Oyster Point.  Shaking by the time, I got back to my desk, I balanced myself, and began to breath slowly.  I began to feel calm again, as my co-workers returned one by one. There is always safety in numbers you know!
After this date, I had to make a revision on rule #1...there would be no more lunches for first dates!  Rule #1 now read....Coffee date first! The coffee date was far less threatening at this point then another lunch from Hell!  Of course, misunderstood brother called, but thank goodnees for caller ID, and after a few weeks, he finally got the message!
Fast forward ten years, as I sit tonight across from the most wonderful man in the world, and I count my many blessings, but most of all that I never, ever have to entertain the thought of dating again!
Tilara


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